I have repented my evil ways and now live a chaste life.
But I need help answering some critical questions. I therefore pen this epistle in the hope that my Christian Brothers and Sisters will come to my aid again.
Specifically, as I continue my study of the Scriptures, I am not sure how to reconcile the laws of my LORD with the laws of man.
Would you please give me guidance regarding how I should proceed in the following matters? Thank you!
1) May God save me from the heathens! In my city there are temples where the people worship statues and other pagan totems. I know it is my Christian duty to, after diligent examination of their practices, take action against those who worship false gods (Deuteronomy 13:13-14).
I have no problem smiting the heathens with the edge of my sword and piling their bodies in the street to be burned as an offering to the LORD my God (Deuteronomy 13:15-16).
But before setting the spoils ablaze, do I need to obtain a permit from the Fire Department?
2) In my town a young bride was raped the day before her wedding. The rapist committed suicide shortly after his arrest. But, as you know, he is not the only guilty party. I know it is my obligation to organize my fellow Christians to stone the bride to death because she did not cry out for help (Deuteronomy 22:23-24).
I’m afraid those namby-pamby liberals will try to get us arrested for murder when we are simply doing God’s work. Is it okay if we wear hockey masks when we cast the stones so that we are not identified? Or would we be cowards before the LORD if we hid our faces?
3) I went on a trip recently (to protest a homosexual “pride” parade) and upon my return I discovered that one of my slaves had not cleaned the toilets with a toothbrush as I had commanded before I left. I know that Jesus said that my slave should be “beaten with many stripes.” (Luke 12:47) But that passage doesn’t say exactly how many is a many–do you know? I was thinking 39 lashes with my whip (it’s a really nice cat o’ nine tails) would be adequate. Would you agree?
4) My sister is pregnant with her 11th child and they want to honor this child’s birth with a sacrifice, similar to that conducted by Joseph and Mary upon presentation of Jesus to our LORD (Luke 2:22-24). I know where there’s a nest of baby pigeons so I planned to take two of them for this holy offering. But a bunch of blasphemous “animal lovers” got wind of my intentions and have been guarding the nest, ready with video cameras to record me.
My question is this: There has got to be an online Christian sacrificial animal store where I could purchase two pigeons (or turtledoves) but I have scoured the Internet and cannot find one. They must be secret to protect us from the unbelievers. Can you send me the secret website addresses for such stores?
If that is too risky, would it be acceptable for us to stone the animal lovers to death since they are interfering with the work of the LORD? I couldn’t find any Scripture that authorizes such an act but it seems justified to me. Do you agree?
Thank you very much for all your prayers and sound advice over the years. And I thank you for any assistance you can offer this True Believer with the above dilemmas.
Your True Blue Believer,